Highs and lows. Laughter and tears. Thursday was hugging day but also the day we met with our oncologist to talk about the treatment plan. I have been focused on hugging day, getting the last drain out, dancing with the girls wrapped around me. Long little girls legs encircling me. Snuggling Rem gently to my chest. Derek’s arm enfolding me. The drain came out! What a joy it was to have all of the many touches! But it was also such a hard day, a letting go day, holding my hands open to a new path. A rollercoaster day.

I read the pathology report from surgery, finally. Stage 3. I have stage 3 cancer….still haven’t wrapped my brain around this. Thursday morning, sitting in the oncology waiting room with Derek and my sister, laughing, talking, sharing stories about the cousins playing together. We finally moved to a private room and talked with the oncologist. She spoke about the cancer, its aggressive nature, and the need to start attacking it immediately. Her plan involved many things that were not what I would ever want. 5 rounds of chemo before the baby comes, induce labor 5 weeks early, no breast feeding, start chemo again 2 weeks after delivery for 12 weeks, radiation after the chemo. My shoulders started to shake and there was no controlling the tears. I do not like this plan, it is not what I want.

Derek moved to put his arm around me and these words were whispered to my heart. I will bless the Lord at all times, his praise shall continually be in my mouth! Ps. 34:1

Over and over, the Spirit spoke these words to my aching soul. Tears stopped falling. We talked more about what the treatment plan will be and I began to rest in the goodness of God, his perfect plan for my little one, for me, for our family. Grace was poured out on me the more we talked, peace came into the room. We are starting chemo next Thursday. I am confident this is the path God has laid out for us. I will have 5 rounds of chemo; one every three weeks. We will discuss what the next step is when it is time. One step at a time, one day at a time. We will not worry about tomorrow. Four beautiful faces greet me each morning and I will live each day fully, soaking up the goodness of Jesus. Monday morning I have an ultrasound on my liver to see if there are any lesions. This is the only test that can be done that is safe for the little one. Bone and brain scans are too harmful. We are praying for a healthy liver and praying that the cancer is not anywhere else in my body! Praying for protection of our growing little one, that the chemo would not pass the placenta; praying for 10 fingers and 10 toes.

Rollercoaster riding is not for me, resting in the loving arms of Jesus is where I want to be!